I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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