I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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