Welp...herpes.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
