he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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