hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
