I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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