sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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