Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
