matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
