8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
