Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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