his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
