Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
