I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
