I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
