my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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