Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
