no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
