he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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