If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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