someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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