Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
