My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
