it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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