I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
