Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
