its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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