I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
