thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
that's an acceptable place to lick
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
