So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
