Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
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