I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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