A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
