I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You pole danced in your parka.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
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