Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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