I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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