Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
