Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
