so that wasnt chicken after all
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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