the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
