i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
