Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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