My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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