he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
