I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
