That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
