Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
