What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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