don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
