she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
