omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
